Is it time to say goodbye Part 2
After visiting my Grand at the nursing home yesterday I thought I would come back and write part two. However, I couldn't seem to make myself type what my mind was thinking. Instead I sat down to type out her obituary that was faxed to me on last week.
It really does seem strange...living almost as if someone is already dead. Of course I know that it is just preparing for the inevitable, but all the same it seems unlife-like to speak of someone as if they "were" and not "is".
Nearly a year ago as my family had returned back to our hotel room from my cousins house (we were celebrating Thanksgiving Holiday in Atlanta) my Grand, my sister and I were stand aways from my mum and brother-in-law, when my Grand said to the two of us, "I don't have much longer...but I'm not afraid to die. We all have to die...and I'm ready..." I don't remember our exact reactions, but we just sort of nodded, said something to "silence" the awkward moment, and let her know that it was ok. Later I remember my sister and I standing alone saying how older people seem to have that knowledge of when it's almost time to let go.
It is just one day more than a week away from Thanksgiving and I can't help but wonder, how soon will my Grand's time be up. I wonder if she is in some way trying to prepare us to let her go. I keep wondering as we watch her starve herself, refusing to eat...waisting away from the healthy woman who a year ago held her first great great-grandchild, to this woman who can't even wipe the phlegm from her slightly open mouth.
My usual child like call to my grand, "hello grandma", no longer garners the delighted smile across her face. Instead she slightly lifts her head and slowly opens her eyes and then allows her head to bounce back to it's resting position, acknowledging my presence. So I simply hold onto the words she said to me when I called from Kenya earlier this year, "I miss you coming down the stairs telling me good morning...it's just not the same", and with each visit I say "Good morning!" as if she will reply the same way she always has. "Good morning baby!"
It really does seem strange...living almost as if someone is already dead. Of course I know that it is just preparing for the inevitable, but all the same it seems unlife-like to speak of someone as if they "were" and not "is".
Nearly a year ago as my family had returned back to our hotel room from my cousins house (we were celebrating Thanksgiving Holiday in Atlanta) my Grand, my sister and I were stand aways from my mum and brother-in-law, when my Grand said to the two of us, "I don't have much longer...but I'm not afraid to die. We all have to die...and I'm ready..." I don't remember our exact reactions, but we just sort of nodded, said something to "silence" the awkward moment, and let her know that it was ok. Later I remember my sister and I standing alone saying how older people seem to have that knowledge of when it's almost time to let go.
It is just one day more than a week away from Thanksgiving and I can't help but wonder, how soon will my Grand's time be up. I wonder if she is in some way trying to prepare us to let her go. I keep wondering as we watch her starve herself, refusing to eat...waisting away from the healthy woman who a year ago held her first great great-grandchild, to this woman who can't even wipe the phlegm from her slightly open mouth.
My usual child like call to my grand, "hello grandma", no longer garners the delighted smile across her face. Instead she slightly lifts her head and slowly opens her eyes and then allows her head to bounce back to it's resting position, acknowledging my presence. So I simply hold onto the words she said to me when I called from Kenya earlier this year, "I miss you coming down the stairs telling me good morning...it's just not the same", and with each visit I say "Good morning!" as if she will reply the same way she always has. "Good morning baby!"
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